What is the most important label we have?
What is the most important label we have?
They were Sons.
They were Daughters.
They were Fathers.
They were Mothers.
They were Godmothers.
They were Godfathers.
They were Uncles.
They were Aunts.
They were Cousins.
They were Husbands.
They were Wives.
They were Friends.
They were Colleagues.
They were Girlfriends .
They were Boyfriends.
They were Acquaintances
They were People that you stood in line with in the supermarket.
They were Creative.
They were at the most basic level Human.
Now they do not exist.
They do not exist in Orlando.
They do not exist in Sandy Hook.
They do not exist in Aurora.
All of the others they do not exist.
My heart is heavy for the people left behind, the collateral damage. We grieve each of those people and we sit with heavy hearts as their deaths are politicized and turned into meaningless arguments for people who care only about their own agendas.
That is not happening here. We hear you and in a comparatively, infinitesimally small way feel you, you the collateral damage, you who are left behind to pick up the pieces, you who had those who died in your phone books, on your mantles and in your hearts.
I carry you with me when I look at my children. You are in the back of my throat as I try to find an explanation for these acts, because there is no explanation. I look at my babies and I hope that as I kiss them goodbye I get to see them again at the end of the day. When I do, I feel lucky and I hope that by continuing to love them and by continuing to live and trying to make lives better, I in some way am honoring those you lost. Those we lost.
The most important label each person who died had, the only one that really matters is one…Human.
I Will Not Be Silent Anymore. I am who I am.
On Monday my 10 year old daughter changed my life.
As usual we started our day with an argument of some sort, there was a meltdown of misery yet again with my 7 year old. Everyday was wearing down on me, squelching my spirit. These senseless arguments. Between the three of us. I’m an only child I don’t get sibling rivalry or the talking back or the not listening. I don’t know that I will ever get it.
Today I feel lighter.
My little girl asked “how many hours are in a year?”.
Without thinking, annoyed, I told her to get a piece of paper and do the math. So she multiplied 365 days a year by 24 hours…before she was done it hit me like a ton of mathematical bricks…
665,760 hours in my life if I live till I’m 76 (speculation based on life expectancy)
221,920 hours Ill spend sleeping if I get 8 hours a night (RIGHT! Maybe if it adds up in the end)
443,840 hours is what I have been allotted to love, play, live, work, build, breakdown, complain, worry about being debt free..everything that makes up a life
239,600 hours is what I have already used up in my life (no regrets)
204,240 hours is what I have left in life if I live to see 76.
8510 days. To love. To play. To build. To live!
All of this happened within seconds…a moment that took my breath away. I looked at my child and suddenly all of those awful moments, with awful thoughts and awful words that had just passed melted away and became so incredibly unimportant. I had it all wrong before. The only thing that matters was making all of the coming moments, minutes, hours, days, months, years count as much as possible.
We are finite. Each moment is what makes us. I want my kids to know that in order to really live you have to live each moment, you have to be fully present in each moment. I want my husband to know that when he holds me I am all there..not thinking about dishes or an email I didn’t send or an appointment I forgot to confirm. At that moment ask yourself “What in this moment is lacking?” ~Rinzai When that man has his arms around me the answer is nothing is lacking…in that moment I have everything. When I’m sitting on the floor with my girls and every colored pencil ever made is everywhere and the kids are happy because we are coloring and being silly…nothing is lacking, that moment is perfect!
That is not to say that I’m not planning and I’m not worried about my debt and I’m throwing caution to the wind. No. It just means that I’m going to live in the moments for what they are happy, good, bad, sad…whatever they are. I don’t wan’t to have an answer for that question in my moments. If I do, then I’m not in that moment not really.
I told my 10 year old a long time ago that the day she was born she started teaching me so many things that I didn’t know I didn’t know..today I thanked her without question for changing my life and in turn changing all of our lives for the better. She may not remember that someday or maybe she will but she knows that moment was significant…and perfect. Not lacking.
The moments that matter make me me. I am who I am.
stu·pid (ˈst(y)o͞opəd/) adjective
1. lacking intelligence or common sense
rac·ist (ˈrāsəst/) noun
1. a person who believes that a particular race is superior to another
My head is swimming. There is so much going on around me, husband, kids, parents, work, church, school. That it sometimes feels like anything else is just too much. I have cut out people in my life that didn’t add to it’s progression, we all have those, the ones that you spend so much energy talking about that you end up spent and most visibly not sated. The ones that call you only when they need something or in my case lie to you and then try to justify it somehow. Most of these just drop off if you don’t contact them, some stop calling if you continually turn down outings, some you cut out because they offended or insulted you for the last time. I blatantly and very directly cut one of those tumors off about a year ago almost exactly and they emailed me a few days ago…SERIOUSLY! They’re email started with “I do not want to email you…” OH REALLY! They just “thought I should know” about a situation that after I checked it out wasn’t real…not a shock, since this person lives in their own warped sense of reality. This story I am not emotionally ready to share just yet but I will at some point.
I wasn’t shocked by this persons email or what he was “warning” me about, but by the fact that after knowing me for so many years professionally and personally they had the gall to say ” I don’t know if you…are a racist or not…” Great way to push my buttons…sort of. This person is completely unhinged with a seemingly OK life. Strained and struggling but for all intents appearing to be normal. The partner has no idea the depth of this persons behavioral problems, narcissistic sociopath, bipolar, thief, pathological liar…I am not equipped come up with all of the issues that I now know are bubbling right on the surface for this person. I did not respond, I will never respond to this person, as I promised them in our last communication that I would never speak to them again. I keep my promises but I’ll be dammed if somewhere in my heart and brain I held onto the word racist. So I am unloading this on you, to get it off my chest and maybe out of my system once and for all. Here is what I would say to That person were I speaking to them:
—-How dare you? You who threw your career away by calling the people who hired you and opened up so many doors for you, racists. Why? Because you were sloppy and were called out on it and you didn’t like it. You who embezzled money from people that were close to you and when you got caught you said they were liars, that they were blaming you because they were racists, you whom at every wrong, deceitful turn YOU HAVE taken you called out the race card, when caught. I have watched you for so many years dig the hole you find yourself in. Watching as the arsenal of stories of your stupid behavior grow and grow. For you to even consider the word racist in the realm of my name is mind boggling. I am a mutt, throw a dart at a globe and I probably have ancestry from there. I don’t believe that I am superior in race to anyone else. I don’t care what the tint of your skin is, your religious preference, what your sexual preference is or even what your political stance is. I don’t believe in judging people on those terms, I find that ignorant. My friends and family are there because they are good people who make me feel good about this world we live in and make me laugh despite the hardships and love me despite my own shortcomings and know that before anything else I hold my family (those related by blood or chosen over the years) most sacred. My personal motto is a Voltaire quote “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” I believe this to my bones. For you to insinuate that maybe I could be a racist shows what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are. You are the definition of ignorant. You are the definition of stupid. But what you are first and foremost is blind…the saddest part is that the true beauty that is right in front of you is lost to you because you are a meaningless soul.
Simple and content, I am who I am.
It’s March! Where does time go? It dissipates into the atmosphere and robs us of our lives. I was never one of those kids who thought that time went by too slowly, I was an anomaly. I blinked and a year passed, I went to bed and woke up three years older before I knew it I was driving, then I was in college. Now I am married to an amazing man, living a life I did not expect to have and I have two ridiculously great kids.
Now I’m here. This is really the start. I’ve had some very scary holy s–t! moments in the last year. So I am going to accredit my delusion to that, no worries I know I am deferring blame to offset the fact that I have not completed what I set out to do almost 3 years ago. I hope that you read my past blogs and get to know me a bit and follow this journey.
Here are my goals for the next 24 months:
1. To become debt free
2. To learn to communicate to my husband about money
3. To simplify my life
4. To organize my schedule
These are really attainable goals for anyone but if you knew the mess I have created for myself financially perhaps this will be more of an action adventure journey than a button the hatches and just take care of business.
Tonight I have to sit with my husband and go over all of our finances…something I have kept him out of for years. I didn’t want him to stress about it and selfishly I didn’t want things to feel oppressive for me. I have done a horrible job of managing the little bit that we had…It was just too much for me to handle on my own without including him. I have pulled money out of places that I shouldn’t have pulled money from to make up each month. Drowning each month, feeling a little more faded and a lot more lost each time I didn’t discuss the issues with my husband. The reality and result of that is that I have damaged my relationship with my soul mate and best friend. Now I have to work backwards to rebuild that and my heartbreak comes in that no matter how open I become and how healthy we get our finances, there will always be a drop of doubt in his heart that I may be leaving something out. I hope I am wrong because like I said he is amazing, not perfect, but a truly good guy.
I know I am not alone but I am now putting it all out there because the alternative is not an option anymore.
Good or bad, I am who I am.
I know it sounds worse than it actually is or is it? I just realized that it’s been almost a year since I last wrote. Anything. I started this blog in order to let out some creative steam and talk about things in my life that I truly thought could help other Moms’ out there who feel a bit painted into a corner. Then I wrote ‘Everything to Everyone’ and quickly realized that the blog was something that I could allow to fall through the cracks. Sorry to my four followers, I value your readership. I have started at least 10 articles in my head and one actually began to have a life on paper but didn’t get very far.
After rambling on about setting realistic timelines, I fell right off the wagon. I was adding lines to my calendar as quickly as I had taken them off. UGH! Then I had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment last summer as I was screwing up an incredibly fantastic job because I had too much on my plate. Being that I’m an independent contractor each job I take is crucial to building my business and my reputation. It was that moment I realized that I was still not following my own advice about taking things off the list that were not truly important. What a gigantic let down for myself! Here I was preaching to people about the beans falling off the plate and I had a broken plate all over the floor. Sadly, I don’t think the people that had hired me before have much faith in me and it’s not looking like I’m getting a second chance, which depresses me to no ends. I am also having to do some mending at home because I let my family down and am desperately hoping that I haven’t damaged my kids with my lack of interest and my absence in their lives.
I found myself taking inventory of all the things I was involved in and hadn’t gotten done. The list went from getting my roots done to sex. With work, friends and family all in between. It’s been difficult and I am not sure how much progress I’m making but I can say that every word I write brings me closer to my goal. I do want to continue to write my blog because I know that I am not alone in my struggles and I hope to pieces that as I hop over my hurdles, someone is better at taking my advice than I am.
I am now making some apologies but I am still who I am.