Oh Social Media and the ability to contact anyone at anytime. It’s grand isn’t it. You find old friends, check out old boyfriends to see if they are fat and have lost their hair…oh and your allegedly ex-drug trafficking Dad (step) finds you after 25 years of 0 contact. That was fun! Here is how that conversation went(without names to protect the innocent) I will translate below the first message as he thought Spanish was the first way to reach out to me:
Hola xxxx…espero que t encuentres bien….Tal vez no t recuerdes de mi; pero yo si de ti…Solamente deseo saber que estas bien y que sepas que nunca t he olvidado…. xxxx….
[Hi xxxx…I hope this finds you well…Perhaps you don’t remember me; but I remember you…I only wish to know that you are well and to let you know that I never forgot you…..xxxx]
I know that it sounds weird but the truth is that because of all my mistakes I had to go to federal prison for almost 20 years…the last time I saw you in Cancun…5 months later I went to Miami as I usually did to buy stuff for the hotel I had in Cancun and the restaurant and I was followed by the FBI and had to flight to Colombia, I didn’t see my daughter and son and my exwife for months but later on they caught me in Dominican Republic and got arrested….the rest is history….
Tell me about you…how you’re doing…I see to nice beautiful girls…tell me they are yours…they are beautiful…how’s your mom and XXXX…if I’m not mistaken…your mom has a hair salon in XXXXXXX…I’m really glad that she’s is fine..
Are you married?…where are you at?….
I don’t even know where to begin. Surely you haven’t lost that con-man approach that made you so successful…I’m a little dissapointed that your in was to ask if I remembered you. You raised me, how would I not remember you. I called you Papi, lest you forget. I have a lot of memories, many more than what you wish I had. You left me. Maybe you were too high to remember that too, then you came back and you left again, then I found you thru your aunt and yes went to see you in Cancun and you had a new family. Did you abandon them too? I don’t really want to know. In my last communication with you, you said the only reason I wanted you in my life was to ask you for money…remember. I spent that night crying on my friends lap, the next two weeks in bed and then I was done. I released you.
In your wake you left a path of pain and destruction that apparently you think has gone away. You left my family in shambles, the FBI and the DEA didn’t just come after you. For a long time they had my mom under surveillance and brought her in for questioning too. I was a minor and they couldn’t touch me. My Uncle, as you well know was caught in Spain trying to smuggle your shit and when he was finally released and extradited to Colombia he was placed under permanent restriction to leave the country. I don’t speak to him either.
You think that you paid for your mistakes in jail. Ok. Please live your life and do something good. But I think that your type of tiger doesn’t change their stripes.
I have an amazing family of my own. Yes. But you don’t get to share them with me, I don’t want that life to touch this one. It’s to good and pure. I don’t know what your angle is or what you really want…but I don’t want it.
If you are making amends, good for you. I hope you find your peace. I wish you success and a good life…what’s left of it. I have many good memories of growing up with you, unfortunately they are also attached to many bad and horrific memories. I hope that you have those good memories too. I ask that if you have anything left in your heart for me you respect that I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t want you to be but a ghost in my past for my family when they see you in pictures. Don’t reach out to my moms family either they don’t want to talk to you.
This is not an invitation to open a dialogue with you but a way to close a final chapter in a book. Never to be opened again. I wish you the best. XXXX
I probably shouldn’t have engaged him at all but I couldn’t help myself. I won’t lie I was at an outing in a beautiful location when I sat down by myself with my beer to enjoy the weather and the view and looked at my social media and saw the message and immediately went hot and cold. I think I sat in disbelief for what seemed like an hour but I returned my glass to the bar and got my car from valet and drove home crying. In a weird cloud then slept the rest of the day.
Now, I am not feeling so fragile. I think it was shock really. He hasn’t factored in my life for so long and I’m so glad. He was bad news, he was almost as bad as if she had married Pablo Escobar himself without knowing it, my poor Mom. I told her. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I don’t want it to slip later. I’m not a good liar and to her this is massive news.
Now, this piece of work is not my biological father, he was my Step Dad, from age 2 to 11, then he left and came back when I was 12, then left again until I was 17. Came back tried to buy back my love, showering me with jewelry and a car. Then disappearing again until I found him in Mexico. He was my Dad, that’s who I pictured when anyone said father. The pain of feeling abandoned, the lack of trust, the anger issues I had as a teenager, being a commitment-phobe until I met my husband at 30. All stems back to this guy.
I think I’m ok. I wished everyone was home and I wasn’t alone but my heart doesn’t feel like its bleeding or anything. That could change, I don’t know what kind of security measures my brain has put in place but I’m pretty confident that I’m OK.
As you know I started this blog in order to share my going debt free shenanigans…I’m not debt free yet. In fact my husband just got in on the action so look out for those posts. I have ended up sharing my life story in a way that I didn’t expect, I told exactly three people in my entire life what I went thru when I was a kid. There was a part of me that feared that people would look at me differently I know that’s silly now. It’s not like I was afforded a choice as a kid, he was the king of my world when I was little…then I was forced to grow up way too fast and I lost something. My kingdom broke, it had been built up with cocaine and stuck together with lies and deceit. I’m still looking for that something…I see it in my kids. I think normal people call it innocence. I cherish it, because I see it in my kids eyes, in my husbands eyes. I keep hoping that if I hold them tight enough maybe I can get some of it back. I know I can’t but I will relish in theirs. I have a sense of when people, especially kids, have been thru the ringer because they have that something missing too, I try to hold them close too for different reasons. Empathy, I feel them in my very soul.
I’m thankful for my life. I have been led exactly to where I am right now. With out the bad, I would not love the good soo much. For better or for worse at times…I am who I am.